


I Know

by JupiterOrchid



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: College, Friends to Lovers, Future Fic, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, JJ is my baby and I love him so much, Kiara is their cheersquad, Leaving Home, M/M, Pining, Pope is PINING, Pope's parents basically adopt JJ, Self-Esteem Issues, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:35:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24242161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JupiterOrchid/pseuds/JupiterOrchid
Summary: John B is gone so they learn to move on.
Relationships: JJ/Pope (Outer Banks)
Comments: 32
Kudos: 193





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I wrote More than Air in like three hours. I wanted to get these two out of my system and move on. This was never supposed to happen. 
> 
> But the response was overwhelming. So I got inspired.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who read More than Air and inspired me to write more of these sweet bois!

Kie tells him she wants something different. She says she wants something different but then she kisses him and yeah, that’s pretty confusing. What else is confusing is that he thinks maybe he wants something different, too. And it’s confusing because, well, Kie talks about camels and Antarctica whereas Pope, he really can’t put it into words like she can. And Pope reads, like a lot, and he never ever really had problems with words so, yeah, confusing…

But you know what, they think John B and Sarah are dead for a couple weeks there so Kie and him, that never really comes up. If you read the books, and listen to the songs, and watch the movies, you’d think they would cling to one another like the drowning to a lifesaver. But it doesn’t go like that.

JJ stays with them, on the couch in the living room. He is sleeping long hours, hiding his red-rimmed eyes behind shades and gaudy smirks and the “yes, ma’ams” and the “yes, sirs”. He helps at the store even though dad never asks him. Pope doesn’t want to admit it, but he finds he holds his breath every time he walks into his house. It’s because he’s afraid JJ won’t be there. Even though JJ is always there, laughing with his mum, or watching something on TV quietly with his dad, Pope can’t stop himself.

Kie spends long days with her mom and tries to relearn life without crying, tries to relearn life without a best friend she thought she just got back, without two best friends she thought she’d have forever. They see her sometimes, on the beach, or at The Wreck, but, mostly, she stays in, working out her grief into a shape that doesn’t have so many jagged edges, doesn’t hurt so damn much every time she takes a breath.

Pope swallows his own grief like a bitter pill, keeps it in the bottom of his stomach, like a pandora’s box because JJ needs him, because Kie will need him soon, because he has to make amends with his dad, and earn trust back from his mum.

And then, John B calls.

***

They meet on the docks. Kie is holding her lit-up phone face up on her palm like a treasure. It’s almost midnight when it rings. JJ is biting at his nail which is gross because he’s been working at the store all day and some things don’t really wash off, Pope should know.

 _We’re safe,_ John B says, _we’re good,_ John B says, _we’re looking for the gold._

Kie says, _stay safe._ She says, _come back soon._

JJ doesn’t say anything and when the call is over, he’s in the wind.

Pope knows he won’t have to hold his breath when he goes back tonight. He knows that no amount of air held tight in his lungs can make JJ stay now. So, he sits down on the dock, feet dangling over the water, waves crushing over the shore, close and far all at once. And Kie sits down, too, and maybe she misinterprets or maybe he’s misreading the situation, but she puts her head on his shoulder, just rests it there.

 _There wasn’t really a good time before,_ she starts and Pope feels a prickling sensation under his skin, like an urge to run. He told her he loved her. Told her he was _in love,_ and maybe it was true then, maybe it felt real, but was it? Is it?

He doesn’t run. He stays put and listens to her talk and nods his head and the whole time, he thinks of JJ. Out there, in the dark, alone. Thinks of how he curls in on himself when he sleeps, as if afraid to relax. Thinks of how he eats peanut butter from the jar, sticky lips and words tongue-tied. Thinks of the flex of his back muscles under his thin tank tops when he helps in the store. Thinks of the smile he reserves for Pope’s mother. Thinks of his hair light and soft, like feathers.

 _Do you think we should try,_ Kie says and Pope pumps his shoulder gently, makes her lift her head.

 _I think I want something else,_ he says, his eyes soft and glimmering, almost glassy and he hopes she can feel that it’s not malice, it’s not payback, it’s not a game. He’s not throwing her own words back at her, he’s just trying to be honest.

 _Something,_ she says slow, quiet, _or someone?_

And yeah, Kie always had good intuition.

***

He goes to The Chateau at the start of the second week. Because now, even his dad started asking. Because Pope can’t imagine where else he could be.

It’s dark because the sun has set hours ago, because the electricity has been turned off, because he doesn’t need light to know where he’s going.

His eyes have adjusted to the dark enough that he sees him almost immediately, on the floor by the couch, like a starfish on his back. His eyes are closed but Pope knows he’s awake.

 _Will you come home,_ Pope asks, sitting down next to him and holds back the _please,_ holds back desperation from his voice because John B is alive and that’s great, that’s wonderful, he loves John B, but maybe that also means he’s losing JJ.

JJ doesn’t say anything, but he opens his eyes and looks sideways, up at Pope, maybe a challenge, maybe a curiosity. And he’s right there but he feels so far away.

 _Talk to me,_ Pope says and holds back the rest: _trust in me_ , because trust is dangerous for JJ and Pope knows this, won’t ever ask it of him.

 _I gave him everything,_ JJ says, a low whisper, an undercurrent to the waves coming into the shore. And Pope hears the rest of it: his loyalty, his trust, his friendship, the Phantom, his future. _Now I really have nothing._

And Pope knows what Kie would say: that John B will come back, that him and Sarah will get the gold, that they’ll be rich. But JJ has been left behind so many times that his hope has been whittled down to a shard, a reed, too easy to break.

Pope wants to say _you have me,_ but it feels like offering nothing at all, so he bites his tongue and lays down next to JJ, right on one of his arms, so close their body heat intermingles in the space between them. So close that on a thermal radar, they are a single stain of red.

 _Maybe he’ll come back,_ Pope offers, feeling hollow, _maybe he won’t. You always have a place with us._

He doesn’t say _with me,_ because he’s not John B, because he wants more than he thinks JJ will give. Because he will never push him, will never take advantage, will never break his trust.

Pope walks home alone and when JJ is on their couch again the next night, he stops holding his breath.

***

School starts and Pope’s mum makes space for JJ, asks him to try his best but doesn’t make demands. Dad grumbles about but it’s sort of half-assed, which is a little out of character, so Pope thinks it’s probably just for show.

Pope won’t lie and say JJ becomes a model student, but his attendance record is off the charts, and some nights, he lays on Pope’s bed while Pope studies, and actually reads his textbooks. And JJ’s bright, Pope knows this, so some days, that’s all it takes.

Kiara comes to study now, too. She likes the floor, leaning against the wall, a bean bag at her back and a textbook in her lap. And she watches them sometimes. In the lulls between the actual studying she watches them jostle each other and laugh and joke and touch, like _, a lot_. She watches Pope watch JJ when JJ is not looking. But sometimes she also watches JJ watch Pope right back and it’s like the worst game of chicken she has ever seen but also not? Because where Pope is obvious, JJ has always been too subtle, so many more layers to peel away to get at a truthful core.

She only talks about John B if JJ asks.

 _Will you tell him,_ she says bumping Pope’s shoulder as they sit on the HMS Pogue, feet dangling, watching JJ swim around them in the water.

And Pope tried denying it, tried pretending he didn’t know what she was talking about, but it doesn’t work, never worked. So, instead, he says _no_ and feels like he can’t explain the rest, doesn’t have it in him.

 _You’re a coward,_ she tells him, and it should hurt but it just makes him sad.

 _Yeah,_ he says back and then tackles her in, takes off his t-shirt and jumps, tries to wrestle JJ’s head under the water.

***

Pope is leaving for college. He picks one with a beach nearby and pretends it’s really important to him, pretends it has nothing to do with anyone else. He packs up his room, tries to decide what’s a need and what’s a want. Wants to pack up JJ and Kiara and carry them with him and never let them go.

They take the HMS Pogue out for the last time. JJ rolls a joint as fat as Pope’s finger and Pope has been better with weed since that first time. He feels like it’s a special enough occasion to breath it deep into his lungs, slow and steady.

His limbs are melting in a pleasant buzz, making him hyperaware of all the points of contact between him and JJ: their shoulders and their knees, the back of Pope’s hand at JJ’s forearm.

Kie is at the bow, watching the stars float by and she seems so far away. She’s far enough and he feels liquid enough for everything to not feel real enough so that he can say _come with me._

And JJ laughs, a short, aborted thing being choked out of his throat like a jagged stone, scraping his insides on the way up.

 _I’ll only hold you back,_ JJ says and Pope moves back a little, takes JJ in as if he’s never seen him, sees all the jagged stars fitting inside of him in painful mountains, all the darkness gathering in between. Pope is realizing for the first time how JJ has no idea, not a fucking clue…

And he can’t put it all into words, can’t make his mind focus enough to tell this boy before him just how fucking special and clueless and smart and stupid he really is. Instead Pope pulls him forward, makes him lay his head down in Pope’s lap, cards his fingers through JJ’s feather-light hair. Because that’s all he can manage right now, that’s all he can give him, and also because JJ lets him, goes willingly, pliantly.

Kie comes over and sits on Pope’s other side, hugs him, says quietly: _if the hurt comes, so will the happiness._ Pope holds back his tears, keeps the fingers in JJ’s hair moving.

They say goodbye the next day, by the door. His dad’s car is already running behind him.

 _I’ll take care of them,_ JJ promises and smirks and looks so proud.

Pope hugs him and into his hair he whispers, _you could never hold me back,_ and hopes it sounds like a promise.

JJ waves at him until they’re out of sight. Pope holds his tears just long enough and then hangs his head in his hands and cries.

His dad pats him on the shoulder as they drive.

***

Pope goes through all the steps; does all the things he was told he should do.

He lives in a dorm, and goes to his classes, and joins study groups. He meets people, and makes friends, and sometimes goes to parties. He kisses a girl draped over him by the pool. Kisses a boy behind the shed, vodka on his breath, holds his hand so that it doesn’t wander. He moves around campus looking like a student but feeling like a ghost. Like he’s hollow, like something is missing.

Three months in, JJ shows up on his doorstep and says _hey,_ like they planned it. _Hey,_ like they saw each other yesterday. _Hey,_ like the missing piece isn’t snapping back into place inside Pope with a force that threatens to cripple him if it ever has to be ripped back out.

Pope lets his hand lift up to the juncture of JJ’s neck and jaw, pulls him in as if for a hug and then changes his mind, changes trajectory, kisses him right into his open, smiling mouth. Crushes into him like a wave on breakwaters.

And JJ, he kisses right back, curls his fingers into Pope’s shirt like he plans to never let go. They separate, lean their foreheads together, breath the same air. _Hey,_ Pope says like he just remembered, smiles and feels whole, complete. Feels like he woke up from a dream.

He pays his roommate a twenty to not come home for the night. They lay on his bed, long limbs entwined so thoroughly, he can’t tell where one of them ends and the other begins. They kiss, slow, and lazy, mouths red and sticky and warm. Pope entwines their fingers and tries to pretend they have all the time in the world, that this will never end.

 _Will you stay,_ he finally asks, eyes closed, forehead pressed to JJ’s chest. He says it quietly, hopes JJ didn’t hear him. Hopes he never answers, afraid of what the answer will be. Of course, Pope knows, logically, that JJ cannot stay. But he has to ask. _Has to, has to_ because he will regret it if he didn’t. Because he wants JJ to know he still wants him here, that he will always want him here. 

_Not yet,_ JJ says back and it’s so much better than Pope could hope for because it sounds like a plan, it sounds like a promise. And JJ frees his hand, tracks it up Pope’s side, t-shirt riding up over his fingers.

JJ strips him slow, and careful, peeling off his clothes like he’s opening up an engine he wants to understand, like he’s unfolding a nest he wants to make a home in. He’s careful and tender, in a way Pope never thought he could be, and Pope feels fondness and irritation all in one go.

 _I won’t break,_ he tells him in a huff, pulls JJ in for a kiss, crashes their lips together, as if to prove a point.

 _I know,_ JJ says back and keeps going at the same glacial pace until Pope flips them over, challenging, and, well, JJ never backs down from a challenge.

The next morning, Pope sees him to the station, holds his hand until the very last moment. He kisses JJ goodbye and then reaches for one more, two more, three more. JJ holds his shoulders, pulls back a little as if he wants to take him all in.

There’s a fold at JJ’s brow, a concentration, an uncharacteristic seriousness that makes Pope pause. Something important is swirling in JJ’s eyes and Pope waits, tries not to hurry him along.

 _We are,_ he tries, _are we…_ he trails off, worries at his lips.

 _Yeah,_ Pope says, quickly, urgently. He covers JJ’s hands with his own, _yeah, we are._ And then, just to be extra, extra clear adds: _if you want me, I’m yours._

_Me too._

***

JJ is stubborn and proud. Pope wants to tell him how this is going to go. Wants to explain to him that yeah, the scholarship is not enough but they can make it work.

JJ says, _I want a life with you, not a struggle_ and how can Pope argue with that? So, Pope studies and JJ stays in the Outer Bank and works at Hayward’s and at two other jobs and saves up and visits as much as he can which is never _ever_ often enough.

Pope goes back on all the holidays even if it’s not smart, even if it’s money he should probably be saving.

He presses JJ into his body like he wants a permanent impression of him left on his skin, to mirror the one JJ left on his heart. JJ sucks bruises into Pope’s collarbones and whines because his marks can never be as dark as the contrasts Pope leaves on him. JJ’s not a quitter, he keeps trying. 

Kiara scrunches up her nose when she sees them shirtless on the beach or lying about on the HMS Pogue but bites her tongue and lets them have it.

***

JJ goes to trade school and graduates top of his class.

He gets a job, a good job in Pope’s college town and keeps it a secret until he comes for a visit and says _let’s move out._

***

Pope gets into medical school and the Heywards are planning a party.

But all Pope wants to do is to fold himself into JJ and think of nothing else. JJ holds him by the back of the neck, the whole time. Lets Pope push up into him even if it messes with his rhythm, kisses his collarbones and his neck and his cheeks, and whispers _yes_ to him, _like that, right there._

After, hot and sticky, Pope brushes JJ’s sweat-soaked bangs off his face, kisses him in the corner of his mouth and says, _I love you, you know that, right?_

And JJ says, _I know._ And Pope smiles, because the way he says it sounds like _I love you, too._

***

One day, Pope comes home to JJ sitting in their living room, crying.

He’s holding an envelope in one hand, wiping at his eyes with the other.

 _He did it,_ JJ says through sobs as Pope holds him, _the son of a bitch did it._

The letter has two offshore account numbers, John B’s scrawl at the bottom says: _Kie has your passwords_ and Pope laughs, a little hysterical because he lost hope so long ago, because John B knew to send one letter for two, because they’re fucking rich.

 _We’re rich,_ JJ says like he might say _we have milk._

And Pope thinks he’s feeling the same thing. It’s a little like, yeah, a hundred million is nice, but he’s already got all he needs, right here, in his arms.

 _Fancy a vacation to Nassau,_ Pope asks anyway.

And JJ says, stern, _only after the semester is over._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kiara quotes Rupie Kaur. To be honest, I don't really read poetry but she seems like the kind of girl who would. 
> 
> Alrighty, thanks for reading! Leave a comment?


	2. P. s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not "part two", or "JJ's POV", or whatever. It's a p. s. like an explanation, a by-the-way, a how-to on how JJ got from _this_ to _that_. 

Kie gets him a second gig at The Wreck. It takes some cajoling but Kie gets shit done and JJ really needs it, more than usual, more than anybody else. Because JJ, he has a goal now, something material to reach for. He keeps it tucked away under his ribs; a shattered, battered thing that glows with a heat barely warmer than a candle. And maybe he’s naïve, but he remembers Pope’s words, lets them rattle like an echo in his head:

_Come with me_

_You could never hold me back_

And he wants them to be true. So, he gets a second job and works hard and guards the flame under his ribs from prying eyes and dirty hands.

Except – and not that Kie’s hands are dirty – but one day, when they’re on their break, just shooting-the-shit, Kie reaches for it. She says _I heard him._

And JJ is still laughing from the last thing they were talking about, so he doesn’t catch on right away, just smirks and says _heard who_ and Kie says _Pope,_ like that explains it but it doesn’t.

 _He asked you to come with him,_ the words wipe the smirk off JJ’s mouth. They hang in the air between them like a swarm of bees JJ is deathly allergic to.

_Are you adding eavesdropping to your list of vices?_

And JJ can never make his words bite Kie the way he makes them bite everyone else. But he curls his shoulders forward and stands up from the low curb they’re sitting on. She brushes off his taunt, says, _I was_ literally _right there._ And then says: _You won’t be holding him back,_ when it becomes obvious that JJ is not planning on responding. JJ doesn’t want to have this conversation, doesn’t want to risk his flame being blown out.

He says, _didn’t he tell you he loved you?_ And Kie doesn’t miss a beat, says _he did,_ and then says, _and at the time, he probably thought he meant it,_ as if she means _people make mistakes,_ as if she says, _some very smart people can be real idiots._

And JJ doesn’t expect that, feels a little rattled, a little lightheaded. He thinks, _it’s Kie._ Thinks how they are the only two left and soon she will be gone, too, so maybe it’s not so bad, not so dangerous to show her, just a glimpse.

 _I want to be more to him,_ JJ says, quiet, unfurls his fears before her like a blooming flower.

 _I’m pretty sure he wants that to,_ Kie says, sounding way more sure than _pretty sure._

JJ shakes his head, _No Kie,_ he says, _I want to_ amount _to more. I don’t want to be a burden to him. I don’t want to be his anchor; I want to be his sail._

 _Ok, cheesy,_ Kie doesn’t miss a beat and JJ laughs, a little bitter, a little breathless because _yeah, cheesy._

 _But did you tell_ him _that?_

JJ looks at her like he doesn’t understand.

 _Listen, dipshit,_ she says, laughing, a disbelieving sort of sound. _He’s in another world right now, surrounded by strangers, thinking you don’t want him, probably feeling re-e-eal heartbroken about it._

JJ thinks it over. Thinks about it for the rest of his shift and then for the rest of the day and the day after that and then says to Mr. Hayward, _I need the weekend off, please,_ and then asks for the same at The Wreck.

He asks Mrs. Hayward about Pope’s dorm.

At the station, he stops by a pharmacy and buys some condoms and lube because, ok. Maybe he’s feeling something very close to love right now but, like, also Pope is _fucking hot_. JJ still remembers his touch, can still pretend his embrace is cooling around him as Pope drives away. And honestly, it’s been so-o-o long because, _apparently,_ JJ can’t fuck anyone else when he feels this weird balloon of feelings behind his heart, when the longing is itching in his fingertips, so, so obvious.

And JJ is preparing for heartbreak but he’s hoping to get laid.

***

When JJ comes back, he gets a third job.

Mama Hayward says he works too hard, but JJ just brushes it off, counters with _and you worry too much._

It’s when Hayward senior puts a heavy hand on his shoulder and says, _maybe you should slow down_ that JJ can’t really ignore it. They worry, these people who took him in and treated him like their own and maybe JJ can’t tell them everything. He probably shouldn’t tell them how Pope tasted salty and hot on his tongue, how JJ traced his skin so warm and beautiful, how he feels like a dying man being so far away.

But he can tell them something. So, JJ looks Mr. Hayward dead in the eye, hopes he sounds as sincere as he feels when he says: _Mr. Hayward, I can’t slow down. I’m trying to catch up to your son._

And yeah, JJ doesn’t mean medical school and maybe the Haywards don’t understand _everything,_ yet. But for now, it seems like enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It just needed ~~one~~ two more scenes. 


End file.
